Monday, November 20, 2006

Light Nightmare


I love my wife. Let me tell you how much I love my wife.
She, being the lover of Christmas that she is, has always wanted a house that she could put Christmas lights on. You know the kind. One of those that have the gables out the front that you can outline with the lights. Anyway, this year, she has one. Our old house had a flat roof that just didn’t look good with lights, and besides, there was no outdoor power outlet. So we just couldn’t do it. At least that’s what I told her, and I got away with it for 12 years. But now… not so much, couldn’t do it this year.
Now here’s the thing, I’m afraid of heights. Terribly and irrationally horrified of heights. But it’s weird fear. I’ve done some rock climbing, quite a bit of rappelling, and I’ve done a lot of caving (spelunking), one cave I had to climb a 70-foot wall and had no problem. But, I’ve been on dirt roads in Moab that skirted cliff faces, and couldn’t keep driving because the 40-foot wide road wasn’t wide enough to keep me from thinking that I was going to fall off of the edge. Dumb and irrational, right?
Can ya see where I’m going with this?
So there I am, Saturday morning, looking up at the gables, thinking to myself, “Self, you’re gonna die.”
The tallest ladder I had just wasn’t tall enough to get to the peak of the gable, so I thought that I should get up on the roof and do it from there. Bad idea. It sure didn’t look like a steep roof from the ground, but it got really steep when I got up there. So, I walked the ridge out to the end, sat down and straddled the ridge. I’m not a very flexible person, so you can probably see how steep this mother is about now, right? So, I get the lights attached to the peak of the gabble, and by laying down, and praying, and stretching, I was able to get some of the other hooks in place and get the light string attached to those. I crawl back down the ridge toward my ladder because I just can’t make myself stand up again.
Back on terra firma, I go on a quest for a taller ladder.
Long story short, I began this little odyssey at 10:00 in the morning. I figured that I would be done by noon, but didn’t finish until 4:30. I love my wife enough to get up on a roof for her, but I hate Christmas.
Next year, I’m hiring one of those lighting companies.

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