Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Afraid


I was going to send this to post a secret, but… it’s really not a secret.

I’m afraid of going back to school.

I want to, I really do, but I’m afraid.
I’m afraid that I’m too old.
I’m afraid of what my being in school, and thus not in the house, will do to my wife. She didn’t sign up to be a single parent.
I’m afraid that I don’t have the kind of money I would need to cover tuition.
I’m afraid of a rejection letter.
I’m afraid of blowing the GRE exam.
I’m afraid of the smart kids who use words like “juxtaposition” and “duality” in their every day discussion.

I’m afraid of going back to school!

I've always figured that I'd have a graduate degree of some kind. When I was a little kid, it was never a question to me that I was going to be an archaeologist. That was the plan. And while I was in California, that plan was a strong one. I was going to come home to Utah, finish an Associate of Science degree I had started and then head over to the U of U as an Anthropology major. I had even started taking some anthropology classes at the junior college I was at in preparation.
But then I met my wife, and I got a job, and life started happening… and I finished my A.S. degree and started having kids.
In short, my priorities changed. I got scared that I couldn’t feed a family with a degree in anthropology. And so, I gave up that dream for a better one.

I did eventually go back to school and got a B.A. in English Lit. My intention was to get a teaching certificate so that I could teach High School English. But… here comes life again… while I was working toward that goal, I changed jobs. I was now making more than a starting teacher. So I changed my major to straight English and graduated.

I work with highly educated people… Engineers.
Most of them have their Masters or are working toward it. And on my wall is my degree… in English. It’s a joke in the office… one of the new engineers thought that it was a joke that I had it up on my wall. “Oh,” he said, “that’s for real?”
I’m tired of it being a joke; I just have a deep desire to use it, in some way.
So I want to get a Masters Degree… but I’m afraid.

4 comments:

John'swife said...

Fear cripples. Don't let it be the reason you do anything...or don't do something. Act because it is right or refrain because it is wrong, but don't let fear be your guide. You will regret it.

Witness said...

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

Murph said...

I know that you're both right. (as well as the great quote from Mr. Herbert)
Now I just gotta get off my butt and do something about it... Right?

bindy said...

Fear is real. It will always be there, so the real question is what are you going to do about it? I am back in school again myself, pursuing my second Masters. It wasn't easy at 34 to decide to do so, but I had to go with my gut.
No matter what anyone says, you have to follow what you know to be right for you. You are not a joke!! Archeology is fascinating (having done a few digs myself). I imagine being a English teacher would be fulfilling as well. Anything you want to do, you can do. If you have your family's love and support, anything is possible! Go for it!

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