Thursday, April 17, 2008

D&D President

Political wrangling has gone into hyper-drive, at least it has on the Dem’s side of the aisle, and I keep hearing the question “Who’s the stronger candidate?” I’ve heard political analysis, personality analysis, patriotic analysis, I’ve even heard an analysis of the candidates based on home state sports teams. So… I thought that I’d sit down and do an old school Dungeons & Dragons analysis of the three major candidates. I’ll start with the Democrats since they are the two who are in active battle at the moment. By the way, this is based on my knowledge of first edition Advanced D & D, so don’t give me any stat corrections based on that fancy-shmancy 3rd edition stuff, Ok?

Hillary Clinton
Strength: 18 (No one saw her roll, but she insists that she rolled the d6 only 3 times.)
Intelligence: 21 (+5 to her roll. She is the smartest woman in the world after all)
Wisdom: 21 (+5 to her roll based on Intelligence)
Dexterity: 19 (Dems get a +4, see below)
Constitution: 18 (+3 to roll for being a “sturdy” woman)
Charisma: 18 (Again, no one actually witnessed her roll, but she thinks it’s true)
Comeliness: 18 (See Charisma)

Attacks with a Claw-Claw-Bite (1-6) (1-6) (3-18) with a Save vs. Poison for additional d12 damage.
Special Abilities:
Charm Self, as an innate ability. There is no saving throw allowed. Area of affect: Herself.
Death Stare, as a spell. Save vs. Death Magic or die.
Shrill Voice, as a spell. Save vs. Breath Weapon or loose half your Hit Points permanently.

Barack Obama
Strength: 12
Intelligence: 18
Wisdom: 16 (-3 because he’s a young guy)
Dexterity: 18 (Dems get a +4, see below)
Constitution: 10 (-5 to roll because he’s a bean poll)
Charisma: 19
Comeliness: 19

Attacks with bladed weapon (nothing to big since he’s just a little guy). Number of attacks based on Dexterity bonuses.
Special Abilities:
Charm Others, as an innate ability. There is no saving throw allowed. Area of affect: infinite, even over broadcast waves.

Special Note: Democrats receive a +4 to Dexterity bonuses due to the fact that they are as slippery as a squid when it comes to policy, spinning, and accountability.

John McCain
Strength: 10 (-4 due to age)
Intelligence: 17
Wisdom: 18
Dexterity: 12 (Republicans get a –4, see below)
Constitution: 10 (-2 due to age)
Charisma: 17
Comeliness: 17

Attacks: Projectile weapons, and small bladed weapons for Backstab only
Special Abilities:
Charm Democrats, as an innate ability. There is no saving throw allowed unless during an election year. Area of affect: Same room as caster.
Republican Back Stab. Receives a +5 to hit against Republicans, conservatives, and other right-wingers.

Special Note: Republicans receive a -4 to Dexterity penalty due to the fact that they are as slippery as a brick when it comes to policy, spinning, and accountability.

Conclusion:
You make your own conclusion as to who is the strongest candidate for President.



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