Wednesday, October 29, 2008

An Open Letter to Mr. Particular

Dear Mr. Particular,
Thank you so much for allowing us to crash your lovely home for our family Halloween party. The kids had a great time, and it was kind of fun to watch you follow behind them with your broom and dustpan. I really do apologize if they had any accidents with their punch. You really do have a lovely home, and I do hope it stays that way after your child is born. But…
Despite your claim that once your first child is born, your home will stay as immaculate as it is now, I just don’t think that you’re thinking straight. You say that you and your wife are “very particular people” and I do believe this to be the case… but I knew you as a small child, and Spaghettios against the wall, or on your head, was not a rare occurrence with you. You have become a clean freak… you were not born one. And while your child will start out very clean, they will become mobile, and then the term disaster will begin to take on an entirely new meaning.
Please don’t be dismayed or surprised when you come home from a hard day’s work to find an oddly pink stain in the middle of your light tan carpet, from a sippy cup that didn’t, quite do it’s job. At first you’ll fume, and rage, you’ll probably get the spot remover from under the sink and work to remove the stain… only to find out that red juice doesn’t always come out of carpet completely. After a year of this, you won’t even bother with the stain remover because you won’t want to make a clean spot in an otherwise dirty carpet.
There will come a day when you flop, exhausted into your leather sofa to watch golf on ESPN only to find that you just sat in a big blob of syrup from a half eaten French toast stick. And after pealing yourself from that sticky situation, you’ll find that the surround sound speakers you love rattle due to the Matchbox cars that have been shoved into the sound holes.
Don’t get me wrong, I would never wish these things upon you; I am simply relaying the knowledge I have gained from 14 years of being a Dad. For I would never wish jelly covered disks in a brand new DVD player on anyone… but they do happen. If I had a nickel for every Matchbox car I’ve fished out of a piece of electronics… I’d be a very rich man.
Children have a way of turning new things into old things, putting dings in walls they rarely pass by, and despite all of your plans… they are just generally messy. Now, you may have the exception to the rule… there is always the chance that your child may fold all of their cloths before putting them in their drawers. They may play with a toy, and then put it away before getting another out. They might even sit at the table and wipe their mouth with a napkin before asking to be excused… and then again… they may be normal. And you have to ask yourself… do you want to spend the rest of your life following behind them with a broom… or do you want to enjoy them?
I know you don’t take advice from me… But please don’t take offence when I do a little dance and sing a few courses of “I told you so” when the day comes that I can do so.

Best wishes,


Angela said...


I would like to the risk of being blasphemous...that the lord has a very wicked sense of humor. He is coaching this child as we speak in exactly which ways he should "try" his father. He just has a way of getting us to grow...and "particular" is a sort of vanity that needs a good trial to straighten out.

I am willing to bet he is in for a whole lot of trouble. It is going to be entertaining to watch. Of course we both could be wrong. What we have 9 kids between the two of us, what could we POSSIBLY know about this subject. I will laugh my evil giddy laugh if his infant child ends up with reflux!

Melissa said...

Hilarious! And I agree with every sentence. It's good to know that my kids are keeping up with yours and the rest of the world's. Did you have fun on your vacation? You are going to blog about that, aren't you?

Murph said...

Yes Melissa... I will blog about the House of Mouse, but I really had to get this one out of my mind.

Mei Mei... Reflux!?! That doesn't run it OUR family... Ummm... oops.

Stacie said...

Now in some defense of our littlest brother. I do recall a certain parent who was extremely hard on his first child. Who would sit outside her bedroom door at night, just waiting for her toes to touch the floor. Sound like anyone you know? Then, there are a few others of us who had the same twisted fantasy that he currently has, that our house too would stay perfect, as well as the children who live in it. Luckily we have all awakened from that dream and reality has brought us to normalcy. Not that I don't totally agree with everything you said...I do. My private wish is for twins for him and his older sister. That is something that hits you hard, fast and you realize that nothing you found sacred before matters. This is when I will laugh my evil giddy laugh, (but the reflux will also invoke that especially if it is as bad as Josh's was! He,He).

Anyway, sit back, watch his life unfold and laugh privately or even out loud as we see him experience what we have already learned. It will be entertaining if nothing else.

Murph said...


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