Tuesday, January 26, 2010

An Open Letter to Stephenie Meyer



Dear Steph,
After reading a few of the thousands of articles people have written about your Twilight Series, I’ve come to realize that there is quite a bit of hate out there, and that most of that venom is not only targeted at your books, but at you as a person. And I am sad to admit that, yes, I’m one of them, and I shouldn’t be. I should be above such petty feelings.
I mean, you’re just a writer, a story teller, and an entertainer, right? Is it really your fault that Bella is such a despicable, two dimensional, self centered tramp? I mean… you had nothing to do with her creation did you? Characters write themselves as part of the writing process… right? Afterall, you didn’t have any control over the fact that Edward is so over-the-top perfectly gorgeous and sensitive; that he’s such an Adonis that no real man on the planet could ever hope measure up to him. I know that I could never stand up to the standard that you… I mean… that Edward set for himself.
So what if you quite literally dug up the bones of Bram Stoker and spat in his decomposing face. I mean, what did he know about vampires? He wasn’t Romanian… he was Irish for crying out loud. What do the Irish know about the supernatural? Leprechauns, Yes… Vampires, No! He didn’t know anything about vampires, and certainly didn’t write the seminal work on the subject; the book that all subsequent vampire books had to deal with. Well, you certainly didn’t deal with that fraud, did you?
I have an idea. You should write a fantasy novel next. Yes, a fantasy novel with lots of modern teen angst, and perfectly proportioned, yet slavish, men. And you could totally ignore Tolkien, too. You could totally trample on that stupid little novella he wrote about the Lord of the Rings… who ever that wimp was… Sheesh! I mean, who wants to read some book about a guy who loves hula-hoops?
Don’t you think that’s a good idea? Tell you what… I feel so much better after writing this letter, that I’m not going to hate you as a person anymore. I’ll respect you as a writer and as an artist, and confine my hate to… I don’t know… maybe just your guts. Ya, I think that will work.
Keep up the good work.
Sincerely yours,
-Murph

Thursday, January 21, 2010

The Next Kilt

So, as many of you know, I like wearing kilts. I don’t know why… it’s not an airflow thing. Believe me, when you strap 20 pounds of wool around your waist, there is NO airflow. I’m not trying to get in touch with my inner female, because, believe me there is no inner female, plus, Kilts are the ultimate attire for men of Celtic heritage… so don’t even go into the “Man Skirt” zone, ‘cause yer just going to embarrass yourself.

I own one kilt already, and it’s very nice. I got it from “The Celtic Croft,” and it’s made from an Irish tartan designed to honor “St. Patrick.” Like I said… it’s very nice for the small amount that I paid for it.
I’m not someone who can go and plop down 700 bucks for a kilt; I’d rather buy seven $100 kilts instead, since there are many tartans that I can wear.

I know, don’t go into the whole “there are no rules for wearing tartans” thing. I’m aware if that, but I’m not the kind of person who can go and wear… I don’t know… MacDonald, because I like the pattern, and I think that their french fries are taisty. To me, that’s just kinda being a poser. But I digress…

So like I said, I have a kilt made from the “St. Patrick” tartan. Which is just a good, Irish national pattern for anyone of Irish Heritage.
I can also wear “Mitchell” because my Grandmother was one.
I can wear, “MacLeod” because my wife is from that clan.
I can wear, “MacNachtan” because my last name is a sept family of that clan.
I can wear, “MacLaren” because I finished Woodbadge training in the BSA.
I can wear, “Ulster” and “Westmeath” because that’s where my Irish relatives are from.
And I can wear, several of the Welsh patterns including “Pride of Wales” and the “St. David / Welsh National.”

I’ve decided to go with the “Welsh National” to honor my Great Grandfather, and G.G. Grandfather, who were born in Wales.

So I went looking and found that most of the Welsh patterns were very, very pricey, but I did finally find the Welsh National tartan at USAKilts in my price range. It’s a distinctive pattern that cannot in any way be mistaken for any other clan or country. The pattern is based on the colors of the Welsh flag. Red and Green vertical stripes… wonderful!
My wife… doesn’t like it at all. Now, she won’t stand in my way of getting it in any way, she just thinks that it’s… Christmassy. I don’t disagree with her on that point.

But, still, I think that I’m going to get that one this year, and then get “MacLeod” next, so that I can stand in my front yard, sword in hand yelling, “There can be only one!”
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